RCCGB FORUM Message Board for Members of the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain to discuss club events and all things theme park related.    FAQ   Search   Memberlist   Usergroups   Join! (free) >   Profile   Log in to check your private messages   Log in  Good Jokes Goto page 1, 2  Next          RCCGB FORUM Forum Index -> Jokes View previous topic :: View next topic   Author Message Andy Hine MBE RCCGB Chairman Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 204 Location: Seat 3, Phoenix, Knoebels Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:09 am    Post subject: Good Jokes Don't post the good ones here - PM them to me so I can claim full credit at the Bash! Back to top Nimmykins Site Admin Joined: 21 Sep 2007 Posts: 558 Location: Brighton Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:28 am    Post subject: I shall send you information about a gossip email I get every week. There's a section at the end called Old Jokes Home. Suits you sir. _________________ Sarah RCCGB member - 2132 Plus four travelling coasters including Olympia Looping and Eurostar. Back to top Bunnie Moderator Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 1208 Location: Shrewsbury Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:06 pm    Post subject: Two fish in a tank.....one says to the other "I don't think I can drive this!" _________________ Rachel RCCGB Membership Number 2210a Back to top mook1975 Kiddie Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 7 Location: northampton Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 8:12 pm    Post subject: imagine if all major retailers started selling condoms and kept there tag lines...Tesco-every little helps, Nike-just do it!!, peugeot-the ride of your life, KFC-finger licking good, ever ready condoms-keeps going and going, Pringles-once you pop you just cant stop, Burger king-home of the whopper, Andrex- soft, strong and very very long, Polo-the one with the hole....oops!!! Back to top Paul H. Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 117 Location: Scarisbrick, Lancashire Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:09 pm    Post subject: mook1975 wrote: imagine if all major retailers started selling condoms and kept there tag lines...Tesco-every little helps, Nike-just do it!!, peugeot-the ride of your life, KFC-finger licking good, ever ready condoms-keeps going and going, Pringles-once you pop you just cant stop, Burger king-home of the whopper, Andrex- soft, strong and very very long, Polo-the one with the hole....oops!!! Pringles, once you pop you can't stop........so why do they put a resealable plastic lid on the tub? Back to top stevencaine Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 108 Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 7:54 pm    Post subject: man walks into a bar? ------------- (ouch) Back to top meatloaf Kiddie Poster Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 12 Location: Bearwood, West Midlands Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:03 pm    Post subject: What do you call Andy Hine telling a really funny joke ? An Imposter Back to top stevencaine Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 108 Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:45 pm    Post subject: How do you get two whales in a mini ? Drive down the m4 Back to top Death Banned Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 871 Location: Farnborough, UK Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 3:08 pm    Post subject: Hail All! mook1975 wrote: imagine if all major retailers started selling condoms and kept there tag lines...Tesco-every little helps, Nike-just do it!!, peugeot-the ride of your life, KFC-finger licking good, ever ready condoms-keeps going and going, Pringles-once you pop you just cant stop, Burger king-home of the whopper, Andrex- soft, strong and very very long, Polo-the one with the hole....oops!!! Dare I add high-street banks to that list? Natwest Xtra Strength - For "another way"... Sorry there's only the one there, but my ntime is limited as always alas. Oh, and talking of Natwest...I gotta go and stuff some cash in there before PayPal auto-bankrupt me! Farewell... >> Death << Back to top butler Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 488 Location: Ilford, Essex Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:46 pm    Post subject: I was under the distinct impression that this topic was called Good Jokes. So far there has only been bad. Please people they must be good. I am at work I loged on to have a laugh and I did not. Butler Back to top Paul H. Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 117 Location: Scarisbrick, Lancashire Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:55 pm    Post subject: I once met a Dutch girl who had inflatable shoes....I rang her to make a date but unfortunately she had popped her clogs! _________________ RCCGB Mem no 948   Don't look at me I'm a monster Back to top butler Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 488 Location: Ilford, Essex Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 5:14 pm    Post subject: This made me laugh. Keep them coming. Back to top reg Kiddie Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 44 Location: Swindon Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:28 pm    Post subject: What is the most popular ringtone for a curry lover? Red. _________________ 319 coasters: Steel 251 Wood 68 Park Count: 78 #1 Woodie - Shivering Timbers, Michigan Adv. #1 Steel - Expedition Ge Force, Holiday Park. First Public Ride on The Voyage! Part of the TTD Roll Back club!! Back to top bluea61 Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 571 Location: Portsmouth, Hants Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:32 am    Post subject: Like that!! Took me a little while but on the wave length in the end! _________________ Steve RCCGB - 2355 Back to top Coaster Toaster Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 122 Location: Uni Room Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:42 am    Post subject: This is one i made up and told death to do for his act at the bash. Stealth has a new sponser its durex the condom manufacturers. Their slogan for the ride is: Enjoy the ride while it lasts Back to top Paul H. Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 117 Location: Scarisbrick, Lancashire Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:40 pm    Post subject: Heard about the man with two left feet who was going on a beach holiday...went into his local shoe shop and asked for a pair of "flip flips" _________________ RCCGB Mem no 948   Don't look at me I'm a monster Last edited by Paul H. on Thu Oct 18, 2007 10:20 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Coaster Toaster Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 122 Location: Uni Room Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:24 pm    Post subject: A dyslexic guy walks in to a bra Back to top Big Stevie B Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 1158 Location: Greenwich, London Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 5:05 pm    Post subject: Coaster Toaster wrote: A dyslexic guy walks in to a bra I love it when that happens! Back to top Paul H. Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 117 Location: Scarisbrick, Lancashire Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:52 pm    Post subject: A woman goes to a gym and asked about joining a yoga class. The instructor asks " How flexible are you?"...She says "I can't do Tuesdays!" _________________ RCCGB Mem no 948   Don't look at me I'm a monster Back to top Coaster Toaster Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 122 Location: Uni Room Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:02 pm    Post subject: POSH AND HER DRIVER Posh and her driver are cruising along a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the mercedes. The driver tries to avoid it but can't, and the cow is killed instantly. All heart, Posh tell's her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He is holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a cigar in the other, and smilling very happily. "What happened"? asked Posh. "Well" the driver replies, "The farmer gave me this expensive whiskey, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beatifull daughter made mad, passionate love to me. "My God" says Posh. "What did you say to them"? The driver replied "I SAID I WAS VICTORIA BECKHAM'S DRIVER, AND I JUST KILLED THE COW" Back to top bluea61 Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 571 Location: Portsmouth, Hants Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 11:25 am    Post subject: I saw a bloke at the bar the other night chatting up a cheetah I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one" _________________ Steve RCCGB - 2355 Back to top Paul H. Junior Hyper Poster Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 117 Location: Scarisbrick, Lancashire Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:06 pm    Post subject: My Dad's 83 years old and I call him Spiderman Not because he's superhuman, but because he can't get out of the bath! _________________ RCCGB Mem no 948   Don't look at me I'm a monster Back to top butler Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 488 Location: Ilford, Essex Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:05 pm    Post subject: THis is more like it. Hilarious Back to top coasternutter New poster Joined: 08 Oct 2007 Posts: 4 Location: Herne Bay Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:22 pm    Post subject: Did you hear about the 2 gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other. Back to top Amberrider Strata Poster Joined: 18 Oct 2007 Posts: 850 Location: High Wycombe Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 10:12 am    Post subject: coasternutter wrote: Did you hear about the 2 gay ghosts? They put the willies up each other. What did the bra say to the top hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift. _________________ Ride like the wind. Back to top Death Banned Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 871 Location: Farnborough, UK Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:26 pm    Post subject: Hail All! That one about the gay ghosts reminded me of a few similar ones. Q: What do you call an Irish gay couple? A: Patrick Fitzgerald, and Gerald Fitzpatrick! Q: How do four gay men all take a seat at the bar when there's only one stool available? A: They turn it upside-down! Q: Why was the Egyptian child confused? A: Because his daddy was a mummy! Q: What do you call a dinosaur after a curry night? A: A mega-sore-ass! One of my friends has a view on certain fetishes: Ban S&M! Stop beating about the bush! Farewell... >> Death << Back to top Death Banned Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 871 Location: Farnborough, UK Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 1:19 am    Post subject: Hail All! Here's a couple of good ones from the tomes of a friend of mine. As - Like me - He's a fellow Pagan, these do poke a little fun at Christianity. Rest assured though, it's all harmless humour, in good taste, and no offence is intended. The Coffee Morning: Three mothers were at a coffee meeting, doing a keeping up with the Jones sort of thing. The first mother says "My son is a vicar, and when he walks into a room, people call him 'Father'." "That's nothing," says the second mother, "my son is a Bishop, and when he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." "Well," starts the third, "MY son is a Cardinal, and when HE walks into a room, people call him 'Your Emmenance'." Then they all turn to the forth mother, who puts down her cup and says "well, my son is an athletic, six-foot-ten, body-building, antler-wearing Pagan...And when he walks into a room, woman say 'My God!!!'" Pagan Kittens: A priest was walking to Sunday mass, feeling all wonderful and holy. He'd gotton up bright and early, and decided to take a slightly more scenic route than usual. This took him past a house with a sign in the window that said "Christian kittens for sale - Enquire within." Feeling all wonderful and Godly, he walked up the garden path and knocked on the door. A lady in black answers. "Oh, I just wanted to congratulate you!" says the Priest. "Although they may not be human, they are still Gods creatures and it is good to see that you are bringing them up on the path of righteousness!" And with that, he continues to his Sunday mass, singing praises to God for such an unexpected thing. A couple of weeks later, the same priest was walking to Sunday mass again, feeling wonderful and holy as always. Once again, he decided to take the slightly more scenic route. As he passed the house, he noticed that the sign had been amended. It now read "Pagan kittens for sale..." Outraged, he stormed up the path and hammered on the door. The lady in black answered again. The Priest was speechless with outrage! "Changing their path??? Like this?!?!? he splutters, choking on his own bile in surprise and disgust. "I'm sorry Father," the lady in black replies "but they've opened their eyes now!" Farewell, and enjoy! >> Death << Back to top Spanners Kiddie Poster Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 19 Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject: Elvis is alive and well, I saw him in B&Q the other day.... He was there to return a sander.. Back to top Death Banned Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 871 Location: Farnborough, UK Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 3:03 pm    Post subject: Oh, dear Gods! That one was pretty lame, but I actually laughed at it! (We all know what my sense of humour is like though! ) What's the betting we'll all be hearing that at next years Blackpool Bash? I just learned a really good one about a voice-activated car stereo, but it's far too offensive to post here. If anyone's interested, I'll gladly e-mail/PM it though! Farewell... >> Death << Back to top Spanners Kiddie Poster Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 19 Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:27 am    Post subject: How do you kill a circus......Go for the juggler. Back to top butler Moderator Joined: 24 Sep 2007 Posts: 488 Location: Ilford, Essex Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:18 pm    Post subject: Please people the jokes need to be funny. Back to top Auntie Murial Moderator Joined: 25 Sep 2007 Posts: 505 Location: Reading, Berkshire Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:25 pm    Post subject: A guy goes to the doctors, the doctor asks " What can I do for you today? " The man replies " Is there anything i can do for this hereditory incontanance? " The doctor replies " There is no such thing as hereditory Incontanance ! " And the man replies " But its in my jeans ! " _________________ Auntie Murial - Ianto James Gulliver Plus 9 Travelling Coasters including Eurostar and Olympia Looping ! Rccgb Membership number 2089 Back to top Death Banned Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 871 Location: Farnborough, UK Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 3:14 pm    Post subject: Hail All! Here's an oldie but a goodie for ye all... Earthquake Rocks Brixton (Reuters, 12/11/2007 at 15:00 GMT) A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Brixton, South London, UK. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £25 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the 50-Cent Appreciation Society and the Brixton Hall of Rap Heroes were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their benefit cheques arrived. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying her eyes out! My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning!" Looting, muggings and car crime continued as normal. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Diamond White to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, fake Burberry jackets, jewellery from H. Samuel and bone china from Lidl. How You Can Help: This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: Burberry caps (Counterfeit), Nike shirts, ladies shirts (Size 25 or above), thongs and Adidas tracksuits. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: McCain Micro Chips, McDonalds, KFC, and cans/bottles of Carlsberg Special, White Lightening, WKD, or Bacardi Breezer. If you would prefer to donate money, 15p buys a biro for filling in compensation and benefit forms; £3.00 buys fish and chips, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H Silver and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas. The population of Brixton is counting on your generous donation. Hope that ye all enjoyed that one...I certainly did! >> Death << Later edit: Turning signature on for testing purposes. (More efficient than creating a new post. ) Last edited by Death on Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:37 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top stealth fan Hyper Poster Joined: 16 Oct 2007 Posts: 276 Location: Fareham, Hampshire Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:53 pm    Post subject: Two peanuts walking along the street. One got assulted. _________________ Don't look at me, I'm just Human http://uk.youtube.com/user/andyknight1 Back to top Nimmykins Site Admin Joined: 21 Sep 2007 Posts: 558 Location: Brighton Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 9:47 pm    Post subject: Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?" "No", said Batman, I've got china in my hand. _________________ Sarah RCCGB member - 2132 Plus four travelling coasters including Olympia Looping and Eurostar.