Handy hints and tips!

Death · Handy hints and tips!

Hail All!

I thought that I'd start an amusing hints thread where we can post all of our funny little tricks and tips for everyone else to peruse whenever they may have a boring moment or two to Kill. Both genuine and silly hints & tips are welcome here, as long as they are amusing in some way or another. Cool

I'd better warn ye that most of mine will probabally be "borrowed" from the pages of Viz magazine (The adult humour/smut comic) but I'll do my own moderation and only post publicly acceptable tips! Smile

(I sent a copy of this post to Admin for checking a couple of days ago and they havn't said anything against it, so I'm assuming it's OK for the board. Smile

)

Farewell, and enjoy! Twisted Evil

>> Death <<

Here's a few that I came up with myself whilst selecting some of the Viz ones... Smile

Madonna fans: Save LOTS of money and be guarenteed a half-decent view by watching her concerts through satellite or cable Pay-per-View services. Your £15.00 will buy ye a front-row view and Dolby 5.1 digital sound in the comfort of your own home...A saving of £85.00 on the price you'd normally pay to stand at the back of the venue with a 7' tall brick-house blocking your view whilst straining to hear her performance!
Save money on adult entertainment by simply learning the advanced functions of Google, and other Internet search engines.
Death-Row Inmates: Avoid the gas chamber or "old sparky" by simply making your dying wish a re-trial, or a repeat of your sentance. At the very worst, you'll still have a few more years inside before being lined up for the Death penalty again.
Save money on expensive, useless goods by not responding to advertisements placed by the Franklyn Mint, Kleeneze, Reader's Digest or similar companies.
Live a much longer life by simply becoming a mass murderer or similar serious criminal. If you are awarded 25 life sentances in the year 2010, you'll finish your time in the year 2760. An obvious disadvantage to this however is spending 750 years behind bars as opposed to inside your own home.

...And all of the following have been inspired by or edited from the Viz annual covering issues 106-111 (ISBN 0-7522-1584-1) published around September 2003CE or so. Smile

Supermarkets: Sell your undersized vegetables for twice the price by not cleaning the dirt off of them and calling them 'organic'. A similar practice can also be used for battery eggs that are past their sell-by dates.
Save money on expensive "personalised" number plates by simply going to Halfords and having them make up a set with your desired registration. Hey presto! Your own personal number plate for only £15.00 - Much less than what you'd normally spend at the DVLA!
Bargain hunters: If you miss the DFS Winter sale, Run-up to Christmas Sale, Double Discount Boxing Day sale, and the January Mega clearance Sale, don't panic...The End of Winter Sale starts on the 1st February!
Fool other drivers into thinking that ye have automatic transmission by momentarily selecting reverse before moving off.
Politicians: Avoid voter apathy by not telling us to "vote with our feet", then placing the Ballot Box on a table four foot above the floor. Either tell us to "vote with our hands", or position the Ballot Box as appropriate.
Men: Attract loads of gorgeous women by going to a remote area and releasing the most obnoxious-smelling wind. They will appear as if by Magic at this most inopportune time!
Women: Why take two bottles into the shower when ye can take about three dozen, cluttering up the shelves so that there's no room for the single bottle of all-over shampoo or bar of soap that we men seem to manage perfectly well with.
Earn lots of money by displaying a "How's my driving" sticker on the back of your car with an 0906 number (£1.50/min) which ye can obtain from BT. Then simply drive through town in the most inconsiderate manner like a complete idiot.
Cash strapped Police forces: The average WPCs uniform costs over £250.00, but Ann Summers' shops do a wipe-clean one for under £20.00. So save money, and improve public relations in a single stroke!
Don't waste money buying 'Lo-Salt'. Normal salt is the same height and tastes twice as nice.
Big Bother winners: After having every single bodily function broadcast to the nation, keep what little dignity ye have left by not releasing an abysmally poor single at Christmas time.
DIY enthusiasts: Make your approach more professional by starting three days late, wearing ill-fitting trousers, and taking tea breaks at regular intervals.
Makers of the Gillette Fusion razor: Save money by putting the blade that shaves closest at the front and forgetting about the other four.
British Governments: Given that Her Majesty the Queen brings in £10 million a year, re-training all 20 million Unemployed as Monarchs would bring in another £200,000 million Pounds to the country annually - A yearly windfall of £2.5 million per man, woman and child. If nothing else, the extra money could be used to bring our road and rail networks back up to a half-decent standard.
Boy racers: Give your car that lowered, ground-hugging "racing" look by driving around with 24 paving slabs in the boot, and two bags of builders' sand under each front seat.
Dulux bosses: Avoid risking a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act by renaming your "Once" product "Twice".
Talking of paint...Don't buy bright red paint for exterior metalwork from B&Q. Judging by the appearance of their stores, it must be very poor quality stuff.
Lost all of the balls for your table football game? Just fill it with water and hey presto! An exciting 'synchronised swimming' game for all of the family!
Fans of certain Adult past-times: Don't waste money on "extreme" adult services...Simply travel on a Virgin train at 17:00 on a Friday. Discomfort, degredation, loss of dignity, real danger, and verbal abuse from specialists in uniform for a fraction of what ye would normally spend in Marylebone!