If Ford built cars the way Microsoft build software, we would all be driving aircraft carriers

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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The classically minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen while the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."

An approximate translation from the Latin is: "The damned and accursed are convicted to the flames of hell."

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Tokyo, Japan March 16 - A Japanese Electronics company has announced its own computer operating system, now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, the new system will draw from the Japanese culture.

A spokesperson said: "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human Japanese face on what has been until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen.
The company has released some examples:

• A file that big?
  It might be very useful.
  But now it is gone.
  .
• You seek a Web site.
  It cannot be located.
  Countless more exist.
  .
• Chaos reigns within.
  Stop reflect and reboot.
  Order shall return.
  .
• ABORTED effort:
  Close all that you have worked on.
  You ask way too much.
  .
• Yesterday it worked
  Today it is not working
  Windows are like that.
  .
• First snow then silence.
  This thousand dollar screen dies
  So beautifully.
  .
• With searching comes loss.
  The presence of absence.
  "June_Sales.doc" not found.
  .
• The Tao that is seen
  Is not the true Tao
  Until you bring fresh toner.
  .
• Windows NT crashed.
  The Blue Screen of Death.
  No one hears your screams.
  .
• Stay the patient course.
  Of little worth is your ire.
  The network is down.
  .
• A crash reduces
  Your expensive computer
  To a simple stone.
  .
• Three things are certain:
  Death, taxes, and lost data.
  Which has occurred?
  .
• You step in the stream
  But the water has moved on.
  Page not found.
  .
• Out of memory.
  We wish to hold the whole sky
  But we never will.
  .
• Having been erased
  The document you are seeking
  seeks to be re-typed.
  .
• Serious error.
  Screen. Mind.
  Both are blank.

---

Microsoft Corporation chair Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows Vista: Microsoft Beggar.

"The idea came to me the other day, when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became the competition, so I had my limo driver run over him a few times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Microsoft Beggar will be automatically installed with Windows Vista SP1. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.

"This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller," since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what beggar doesn't embellish the truth a little?"

The user can click [Yes], in which case a random amount of change (between $.05 and $142.50) is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond [No], in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day.

The [No] button has yet to be implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the [No] button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for the beta versions of new products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squigee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar."

Apparently, when Microsoft Squigee Guy 1.0 ships, probably next June, Windows Vista will no longer automatically refresh your screen display. Not that it does now! But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"When you talk about Gates, the wheel is spinning but the hamster's gone, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

---

Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
Redmond WA, Thursday (AP).

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows 95 to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".

The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

---

Bill Gates once commented that if Auto companies had embraced progress like computer companies, everyone would be able to buy a vehicle for $25, and get 1000 miles per gallon.

The MD of GM, when confronted with this, retorted "That may be so, but who wants to crash twice a day?"

Stung by this, Bill Gates has announced a new Microsoft development - hopefully, as he put it, "Moving in a new direction"

Originally intended to be called the 'Auto 1.0', the new vehicle will now be called 'Auto 2001' and will hit the streets in 2002. Or soon after.

Auto 2001 boasts some unique new features; Every time they repaint the lines on the road, you'll have to buy a new model.

If you choose to drive the Auto 2001, rather than simply admire the workmanship, you may find that the engine just dies, for no apparent reason. Maybe several times a day, usually when in heavy traffic, or medium or light traffic. Whatever. "This is perfectly normal," say Microsoft "all you need to do is restart it. We're confident that millions of people will just accept this."

The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light, a sophisticated new development. "New features like this have really excited the media," smiled Jim Watson, Microsoft's man in the showroom, "despite the fact that similar features have been available in other companies' products for years"

Our reporter suggested that rivals were far ahead, such as Sun Motor Systems' 'Solar Auto', powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast, but Mr. Watson was not impressed: "That will only run on 5% of the roads" he claimed.

One definite weakness in the beta version was that there was only room for one person at a time: Microsoft will be launching an 'NT' version to get around this. Someday.

Bill Gates believes that his will be the first auto maker for years to pay money to the government, instead of accepting subsidies "So it's not unreasonable to insist that we all switch to Microsoft gas."

A pilot flying a small single engine charter plane was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After a while, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "EXCUSE ME, WHERE AM I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies "YOU'RE IN AN AEROPLANE." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport five miles away.

Afterwards, a passenger approaches the pilot, and asks how he knew where to find the runway. The pilot replies: "The answer the man gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless, so I knew it had to be the Microsoft Customer Support Building."

---

The Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.......

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "[sigh] Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. Then the water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work. Oh yeah - it might help to have the dishwasher replaced just in case."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

---

Billy's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa, How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation. I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage.

Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat. I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff? Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can.

Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp. What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.

Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one battery-operated present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys, Santa? I have one word for you: windows. Everybody has windows. That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you-- I make my own toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates (

---

Error Messages
Microsoft has announced that it is going to sell advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows Vista. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

The U.S. Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its monopolistic control over error messages.

---

Afterlife
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. (A crash, maybe? ) He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by Saint Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"Well, what's the difference between the two?" asked Bill

"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make your decision."Saint Peter said

"Fine." said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told Saint Peter. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with Angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and made his decision.

"I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago!" Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad women playing in the water?????"

"That was the demo," replied Saint Peter.

---

A Microsoft software engineer went through Army basic training. One day they are out on the firing range, and the Microsoft software engineer was having a heck of a time hitting the target downrange.

Shot after shot rang out, and the reports from downrange kept coming back a miss. Finally, the Microsoft software engineer stood up, stuck his finger in the end of the barrel and pulled the trigger. This of course had the effect of blowing his digit clean off.

Grimacing through his pain, the Microsoft software engineer yelled down to the target pit 'Well, it is leaving this end just fine, the problem must be on your end!'

---

Holy conference:
God was fed up; enough is enough. In a crash of thunder, three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates were summoned to heaven for a meeting. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista SP1."

---

Think Different
There were three programers from Microsoft and three programers from Apple that met in a train station while getting ready to go to a meeting.

The three programers from Microsoft went up and purchased three tickets for the train ride. Right behind them the three Apple programers went up to the same ticket window and bought one ticket.

The Microsoft programers asked the Apple programers how they were going to get away with just one ticket. An Apple programer said, "Just watch us."

All six programers got on the train and the three Apple programers went in the bathroom. When the conductor came by, knocked on the bathroom door, and said, "Ticket please," one of the Apple programers handed the conductor one ticket.

On the return trip home the Microsoft programers said that was a neat idea and went up to the ticket agent and bought one ticket. The Apple programers did not purchase any ticket at all. The Microsoft programers asked the Apple programers how they were going to get away with no ticket. They responded, "Just watch."

The Microsoft programers went in the rest room just as the Apple programers had before. One Apple programer then went to the door of the rest room, knocked, and said, "Ticket please."

---

NEW YORK--Determined to circumvent Justice Department action forestalling the release of his powerful new operating system, Microsoft CEO and evil genius Bill Gates dropped Windows Vista, coded into liquid form, into New York City's water supply sometime this past weekend.

"Excellent," said Gates, watching his scheme unfold on a 30-foot video screen deep within Microsoft's Redmond, WA, compound. "Everything is going exactly according to plan."

Doctors say the risk to New Yorkers who consume Windows-tainted water is considerable. "As little as three ounces of water can carry the entire Windows Vista installer file into the drinker's cerebral cortex," said Dr. Terry Braithwaite of New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital. "Once this insidious operating system enters a person's brain, it may take years to fully rebuild his or her original neurological programming, and even then, old files can remain in their memories for years."

According to New York water commissioner Glenn Portnoy, the Susquehanna and Catskill reservoirs were contaminated with the software in question late Saturday night, rendering 100 percent of the city's taps Windows-compatible only. Those living in any of the city's five boroughs, Portnoy said, are now at risk of having the system installed in their bodies by drinking, cooking with, or even showering with New York City water.

"Residents of New York!" said Gates in a televised address early Monday morning. "Some of your neighbors, your friends, your own family members have not yet joined us in operating within our glorious system. Why not? Is something affecting their judgment? Are they perhaps... thirsty?"
"Water," Gates added. "The source of all life."

Gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out, returning televisions across New York to their regular programming with the push of a button.

Justice Department officials said they plan to come down hard on the software giant for its latest controversial move. "Not only is tampering with a major metropolitan area's water supply illegal," U.S. attorney Joel Klein said, "but mass, involuntary bio-installation of operating-system software is a gross violation of federal antitrust law."

Klein said Microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival Netscape from placing its web browser in New York's reservoirs, an act he said may constitute a further illegal monopolistic trade practice. If found guilty of dispatching winged Microsoft henchmen to block Netscape's access to the reservoirs, Microsoft may face fines of up to $670 million.

Gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the people of New York via Microsoft's Windows Vista brainwave transmitter, saying, "Command priority reformat unit sub-Klein-delete//DELETE: A-Priority." Klein's whereabouts are currently unknown.

Despite Microsoft's tainting of their water supply, New Yorkers seem relatively unfazed. "There is nothing wrong with having Windows Vista in my body," said a glassy-eyed Queens woman identifying herself as "7398473289348390-98.01." "Windows Vista is good. Where do I want to go today, O Gateslord?" Added the woman: "Invalid sector error Type -41."

Quantas Airways Gripe Sheet
After every flight, each pilot fills out a form called a gripe sheet, to inform the mechanics of problems encountered with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem, and indicate on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight.

Here are some maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

Bold text: The problem logged by the pilot.
Italic text: The solution and action taken by the engineers.

---

Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Something loose in cockpit.
Something tightened in cockpit.

Dead bugs on windshield.
Live bugs on order.

Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Evidence removed.

DME volume unbelievably loud.
DME volume set to more believable level.

Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
That's what they're there for.

IFF inoperative.
IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Suspected crack in windshield.
Suspect you're right.

Number 3 engine missing.
Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Aircraft handles funny.
Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Target radar hums.
Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Mouse in cockpit.
Cat installed.

Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Took hammer away from midget.

Funny Computer Viruses:
The following is a list of computer viruses that have been discovered across the Internet over the last few years. Keeping your anti-virus, anti-spyware and common-sense updated will - Of course - Help ye to avoid getting these on your computer!

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Adam and Eve virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airbag virus - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.
Airline luggage virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Al Gore virus - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
Alzheimer's virus - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.
Apple virus - virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.
AT&T virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Bill Clinton virus v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.
Bill Clinton virus v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.
Bill Clinton virus v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.
Bill Clinton virus v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus v 5.0 - Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.
Bill Gates virus - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.
Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.
Birthday virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.
Bob Dole virus - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
Bureaucrat virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Child virus - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.
Congressional virus v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Congressional virus v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional virus v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.
Couch Potato virus - Just sits there, eating chips all day.
David Duke virus - Makes your screen go completely white.
Democrat virus - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
Diet virus - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.
Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Dolly Parton virus - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.
Donald Trump virus - Harmless unless you use online banking.
Ellen Degeneres virus v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Ellen Degeneres virus v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted.
Elvis virus - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal Reserve virus - Affects performance of CDs.
Firestone viruses - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.
French virus - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.
Gallup Poll virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
George W. Bush virus v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
George W. Bush virus v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.
Geraldo Rivera virus - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.
Government Economist virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Gridlock virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.
Health Care virus - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Hillary Clinton virus v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
Hillary Clinton virus v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.
Howard Stern virus - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.
Hurricane virus - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.
IRS Audit virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.
Jeffrey Dahmer virus - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.
Jerry Springer virus - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it.
Jesse Jackson virus - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.
Jiminy Cricket virus - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.
Jimmy Hoffa virus - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.
Johnny Cochran virus - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK.
Joke virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail and internet bulletin boards, consequently consuming all known network resources.
Kafka virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.
Ken Starr virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.
Ken Starr virus v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.
Kevorkian virus - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
LAPD virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
Left-Wing-Drivel virus - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
Linux virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.
Mafia virus - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
Mario Cuomo virus - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Martha Stewart virus - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
MCI virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Michael Jackson virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.
Michael Jackson virus v 2.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have never been seen together.
Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte.
Militia virus - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.
Mom virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.
Monica Lewinsky virus v 1.0 - Only affects laptops, and e-mails everyone about what it did. After sufficient time has passed, it activates the Independent Counsel virus.
Monica Lewinsky virus v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished.
Moral Majority virus - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.
MTV's "The Real World" virus - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and moaning.
National Organisation of Women (NOW) virus - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.
National Public Radio virus - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it's teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.
New World Order virus - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Newt Gingrich virus - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.
Nike virus - Just does it.
O.J. Simpson virus v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
O.J. Simpson virus v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.
[b]Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80GB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB again.
Pat Buchanan virus v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Pat Buchanan virus v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
Pat Buchanan virus v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.
Paul Revere virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
PBS virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.
Pokemon virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.
Politically Correct virus v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Politically Correct virus v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
Ponzi virus - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.
Pope John Paul virus - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.
Pornography virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.
Pro-Choice virus - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Prozac virus - Messes up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Public Transportation virus - Makes your browser stop at every website. Also known as the Stagecoach virus.
Quantum Leap virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
Ralph Nader virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."
Republican virus - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Richard Nixon virus - Also known as the "Tricky Dick virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.
Richard Simmons virus - Deletes FAT table.
Right to Life virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Right-To-Life virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.
Right-Wing-Hardliner virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.
Rodney Dangerfield virus - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.
Rush Limbaugh virus v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.
Rush Limbaugh virus v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.
Saddam Hussein virus v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.
Saddam Hussein virus v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs.
Saddam Hussein virus v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.
Sears virus - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Slacker virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.
Sonny Bono virus - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Sprint virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.
Star Trek virus - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Stephen King virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.
Survivor viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
Tech Stock virus - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer.
Ted Kennedy virus - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Teenager virus - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.
Texas virus - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Tiger Woods viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.
Tim Allen virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Tipper Gore virus - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.
Tobacco Industry virus - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.
Tonya Harding viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.
U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.
Viagra virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.
Warren Beatty virus - Constantly tries to prove its attractiveness by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire virus - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that it's the final answer.
Wonderbra virus - Results in doubled stack capacity.
X-Files virus - All your icons start shape-shifting.