RCCGB FORUM

Andy Hine MBE · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:09 am Post subject: Good Jokes

Don't post the good ones here - PM them to me so I can claim full credit at the Bash! Very Happy

Nimmykins · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:28 am Post subject:

I shall send you information about a gossip email I get every week.
There's a section at the end called Old Jokes Home. Suits you sir.
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Rogue · Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 3865

Two fish in a tank.....one says to the other "I don't think I can drive this!"
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mook1975 · Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 8:12 pm Post subject:

imagine if all major retailers started selling condoms and kept there tag lines...Tesco-every little helps, Nike-just do it!!, peugeot-the ride of your life, KFC-finger licking good, ever ready condoms-keeps going and going, Pringles-once you pop you just cant stop, Burger king-home of the whopper, Andrex- soft, strong and very very long, Polo-the one with the hole....oops!!!

Paul H. · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 4:09 pm Post subject:

stevencaine · Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 7:54 pm Post subject:

man walks into a bar? ------------- (ouch)

meatloaf · Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:03 pm Post subject:

What do you call Andy Hine telling a really funny joke ?

An Imposter

stevencaine · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:45 pm Post subject:

How do you get two whales in a mini ?

Drive down the m4

Death · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 3:08 pm Post subject:

Hail All!

butler · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:46 pm Post subject:

I was under the distinct impression that this topic was called Good Jokes. So far there has only been bad. Please people they must be good. I am at work I loged on to have a laugh and I did not.

Butler

Paul H. · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:55 pm Post subject:

I once met a Dutch girl who had inflatable shoes....I rang her to make a date but unfortunately she had popped her clogs! Laughing

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butler · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 5:14 pm Post subject:

This made me laugh. Keep them coming.

reg · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:28 pm Post subject:

What is the most popular ringtone for a curry lover?

Red.
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bluea61 · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:32 am Post subject:

Like that!! Took me a little while but on the wave length in the end!
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Coaster Toaster · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:42 am Post subject:

This is one i made up and told death to do for his act at the bash.

Stealth has a new sponser its durex the condom manufacturers.
Their slogan for the ride is: Enjoy the ride while it lasts

Paul H. · Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 8:40 pm Post subject:

Heard about the man with two left feet who was going on a beach holiday...went into his local shoe shop and asked for a pair of "flip flips"
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Coaster Toaster · Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:24 pm Post subject:

A dyslexic guy walks in to a bra

Steven Burns · Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 1777

Paul H. · Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:52 pm Post subject:

A woman goes to a gym and asked about joining a yoga class. The instructor asks " How flexible are you?"...She says "I can't do Tuesdays!"
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Coaster Toaster · Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:02 pm Post subject:

POSH AND HER DRIVER

Posh and her driver are cruising along a country road one evening when a cow runs in front of the mercedes. The driver tries to avoid it but can't, and the cow is killed instantly.
All heart, Posh tell's her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He is holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and a cigar in the other, and smilling very happily.
"What happened"? asked Posh.
"Well" the driver replies, "The farmer gave me this expensive whiskey, and his wife gave me this cigar, and their beatifull daughter made mad, passionate love to me.
"My God" says Posh. "What did you say to them"?

The driver replied "I SAID I WAS VICTORIA BECKHAM'S DRIVER, AND I JUST KILLED THE COW"

bluea61 · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 11:25 am Post subject:

I saw a bloke at the bar the other night chatting up a cheetah

I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one"
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Paul H. · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:06 pm Post subject:

My Dad's 83 years old and I call him Spiderman

Not because he's superhuman, but because he can't get out of the bath!
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butler · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:05 pm Post subject:

THis is more like it. Hilarious

coasternutter · Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:22 pm Post subject:

Did you hear about the 2 gay ghosts?

They put the willies up each other.

Amberrider · Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 10:12 am Post subject:

Death · Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 12:26 pm Post subject:

Hail All!

That one about the gay ghosts reminded me of a few similar ones.

Q: What do you call an Irish gay couple?
A: Patrick Fitzgerald, and Gerald Fitzpatrick! Laughing

Q: How do four gay men all take a seat at the bar when there's only one stool available?
A: They turn it upside-down! Shocked

Q: Why was the Egyptian child confused?
A: Because his daddy was a mummy! Smile

Q: What do you call a dinosaur after a curry night?
A: A mega-sore-ass! Laughing

One of my friends has a view on certain fetishes:
Ban S&M! Stop beating about the bush! Very Happy

Farewell... Smile

>> Death <<

Death · Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 1:19 am Post subject:

Hail All!

Here's a couple of good ones from the tomes of a friend of mine. As - Like me - He's a fellow Pagan, these do poke a little fun at Christianity. Rest assured though, it's all harmless humour, in good taste, and no offence is intended. Cool

The Coffee Morning:
Three mothers were at a coffee meeting, doing a keeping up with the Jones sort of thing. The first mother says "My son is a vicar, and when he walks into a room, people call him 'Father'."
"That's nothing," says the second mother, "my son is a Bishop, and when he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
"Well," starts the third, "MY son is a Cardinal, and when HE walks into a room, people call him 'Your Emmenance'."

Then they all turn to the forth mother, who puts down her cup and says "well, my son is an athletic, six-foot-ten, body-building, antler-wearing Pagan...And when he walks into a room, woman say 'My God!!!'" Very Happy

Pagan Kittens:
A priest was walking to Sunday mass, feeling all wonderful and holy. He'd gotton up bright and early, and decided to take a slightly more scenic route than usual. This took him past a house with a sign in the window that said "Christian kittens for sale - Enquire within."
Feeling all wonderful and Godly, he walked up the garden path and knocked on the door. A lady in black answers.
"Oh, I just wanted to congratulate you!" says the Priest. "Although they may not be human, they are still Gods creatures and it is good to see that you are bringing them up on the path of righteousness!"
And with that, he continues to his Sunday mass, singing praises to God for such an unexpected thing.

A couple of weeks later, the same priest was walking to Sunday mass again, feeling wonderful and holy as always. Once again, he decided to take the slightly more scenic route. As he passed the house, he noticed that the sign had been amended.
It now read "Pagan kittens for sale..."
Outraged, he stormed up the path and hammered on the door. The lady in black answered again. The Priest was speechless with outrage!
"Changing their path??? Like this?!?!? he splutters, choking on his own bile in surprise and disgust.
"I'm sorry Father," the lady in black replies "but they've opened their eyes now!" Cool

Farewell, and enjoy! Twisted Evil

>> Death <<

Spanners · Junior Poster Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 67

Elvis is alive and well, I saw him in B&Q the other day.... He was there to return a sander..

Death · Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 3:03 pm Post subject:

Oh, dear Gods! Rolling Eyes

That one was pretty lame, but I actually laughed at it! Smile

(We all know what my sense of humour is like though! Laughing

)

What's the betting we'll all be hearing that at next years Blackpool Bash? Razz

I just learned a really good one about a voice-activated car stereo, but it's far too offensive to post here. Sad

If anyone's interested, I'll gladly e-mail/PM it though! Wink

Farewell... Twisted Evil

>> Death <<

Spanners · Junior Poster Joined: 10 Oct 2007 Posts: 67

How do you kill a circus......Go for the juggler.

butler · Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:18 pm Post subject:

Please people the jokes need to be funny.

Auntie Murial · Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:25 pm Post subject:

A guy goes to the doctors, the doctor asks " What can I do for you today? "

The man replies " Is there anything i can do for this hereditory incontanance? "

The doctor replies " There is no such thing as hereditory Incontanance ! "

And the man replies " But its in my jeans ! "
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Death · Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 3:14 pm Post subject:

Hail All!

Here's an oldie but a goodie for ye all... Cool

Earthquake Rocks Brixton (Reuters, 12/11/2007 at 15:00 GMT)
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Brixton, South London, UK.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately Â£25 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the 50-Cent Appreciation Society and the Brixton Hall of Rap Heroes were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their benefit cheques arrived. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying her eyes out!
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning!"

Looting, muggings and car crime continued as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Diamond White to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, fake Burberry jackets, jewellery from H. Samuel and bone china from Lidl.

How You Can Help:
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: Burberry caps (Counterfeit), Nike shirts, ladies shirts (Size 25 or above), thongs and Adidas tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: McCain Micro Chips, McDonalds, KFC, and cans/bottles of Carlsberg Special, White Lightening, WKD, or Bacardi Breezer.

If you would prefer to donate money, 15p buys a biro for filling in compensation and benefit forms; Â£3.00 buys fish and chips, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; Â£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H Silver and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas.

The population of Brixton is counting on your generous donation.

Hope that ye all enjoyed that one...I certainly did! Twisted Evil

>> Death <<

Later edit: Turning signature on for testing purposes. (More efficient than creating a new post. Smile

)
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stealth fan · Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:53 pm Post subject:

Two peanuts walking along the street. One got assulted.
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Nimmykins · Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 9:47 pm Post subject:

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head
with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"

"No", said Batman, I've got china in my hand.
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Paul H. · Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:07 pm Post subject:

Nimmykins.....that made me laugh.

Anyway yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory they gave 100 men, 15 pints of beer each.

They observed that 100% of the men started talking nonsense and couldn't drive!
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Death · Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 1:40 pm Post subject:

Hail All!

Nimmy...I didn't think that you'd be one for reading the Sunday Sport! Shocked

Have to admit that I didn't really "get" that Batman joke, but maybe someone could explain it to me sometime. The one about the midget buying a horse was amusing though, I have to admit! Shocked

(Although that's FAR too obscene to post here, so I won't! Laughing

)

Here's a lame one that just came out of the blue:
I was walking down the road the other day carrying a sheet of glass, when I bumped into a very well endowed lady. In pure surprise, I dropped that which I'd been carrying.
...Unfortunateley, the glass landed right where it shouldn't have and her blood was everywhere. Talk about a "pane" in the t*ts! Rolling Eyes

Farewell for now, and although the above is in no way offensive in my eyes, apologies to the admins if it has to be edited out. Smile

>> Death <<

Paul H. · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:47 pm Post subject:

Apparently, 1 in every 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me and I don't reckon it's my mum or my dad. Maybe it's my older brother Colin. It might be my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin. Laughing

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butler · Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:54 pm Post subject:

With the exception of Death's joke the last few have been quite funny. Keep up the good work.

Paul H. · Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:10 pm Post subject:

Being an Irish rugby union fan I couldn't resist the chance of having a dig even if it football!!!!!!!!

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "England are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Someone asked me the other day, what time do England kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.

A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the England ground.
He made him go back and watch the rest of the match
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Don't look at me I'm a monster

Death · Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:38 pm Post subject:

Hail All!

I'd love to claim credit for the following, but as I don't believe in plagarism, I'll confess that they came from a copy of Readers Digest that I read at the doctors earlier this afternoon. Smile

A vicar says to his congregation that he has good news and bad news.
"The bad news..." he says "...Is that we'll need Â£500 to repair the leaky roof in the chapel." This was met by a unanimous groan from the congregation.
"The good news..." he then says "...Is that we already have the money!" - The congregation breathing a huge sigh of relief at this announcement.
"The worst news..." the Vicar then adds "...Is that the money is still in your pockets!" Laughing

The local socialite millionaire is throwing a party at his mansion, and many of the local upper-class are invited. During the festivities, two gardeners are at work when - Without warning - One of the gardeners suddenly leaps into the air and bounds wildly around the garden!
Seeing this, one of the guests goes up to the second gardener and says; "Your colleague is amazing! I would gladly pay him Â£100 each time to repeat that performance in front of my dance classes! Could you please ask him if that would be possible?" - The second gardener says that he will ask the first right then, and shouts
"Bert! Will you step on that rake again for a hundred quid?" Laughing

Farewell, and have phun! Twisted Evil

>> Death <<

Rogue · Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 3865

How do you know policemen are strong? Because they hold up traffic

What do you call a group of singing plants? A treeo

Will Shakespere walks into a pub and as he enters the barman takes one look at him and says: Get out! you're bard!

Where does a lettuce get drunk? At the salad bar
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Steven Burns · Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 1777

What do you call a ghost on a ride?

A roller-Ghoster
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Death · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject:

Q: When is a gentleman not a gentleman?
A: When he walks down the road and turns into a resturant! (Groan!)

stealth fan · Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field. Rolling Eyes

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Death · Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject:

This post is awaiting approval by a mod/admin before it will be shown to other users.

Death · Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject:

This post is awaiting approval by a mod/admin before it will be shown to other users.

stealth fan · Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject:

Why should you never employ a stupid dwarf?

Because it's not big and it's not clever. Â Rolling Eyes

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dumb-blonde · New poster Joined: 21 Oct 2007 Posts: 3 Location: Essex

Two Chimps and a Blonde

Best 2007 blonde joke so far.........

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to

keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me?
I' ll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San

Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking
down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the
road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over, so
now we're going to SeaWorld.'

Steven Burns · Strata Poster Joined: 23 Sep 2007 Posts: 1777

The Blonde is back!

Welcome back Debbs.
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RCCGB No. 2293